Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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