Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
