mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
