The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Success! We fucked roommates!
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