You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
