im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
