i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
