Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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