but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize