FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
