he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
