walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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