Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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