I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
