if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We're too hungover to prance.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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