it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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