Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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