I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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