U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just want nice things and good sex
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize