His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I can't turn off my feet"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
