can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
