I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize