Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
