put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
