I think I died a long time ago.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
