I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
