Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
