Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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