I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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