im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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