you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
