i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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