my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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