I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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