I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
