I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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