Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
