A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
