after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
