swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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