don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize