I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
