yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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