I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
