Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize