I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
