Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
