Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
