Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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