Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
