Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He better not be in your backpack
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
