YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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