So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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