this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize