My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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