There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
