Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
