I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
