wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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