You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
