How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
