Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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