Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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