nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
