No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
