good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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